Approaching Perihelion

That was the title of a post I had written over a week ago, however, Blogger decided to fuck with me and delete the damn thing mid-posting process, and I havne't had solid internet access since. Yes, I am in school again, just in case one your missed that, and yes it is awesome. I love my new dorm and and my new room. It's so much bigger than my old closet of a room, and although I am waging a constant war of cleanliness against the encroaching hordes of Adnan-crap (my roommate) It's much nicer than my shithole last year.

Small things: Adnan and I picked out an awesome 20" flatscreen Emerson television that kicks major ass; as such Jon and I have been playing tons of the PS2 game, Samurai Warriors. This is the next logical extension of the Dynasty Warriors series, so if you liked that game, you'll love Samurai Warriors. It's like Diablo II, but with less RPGness and more action with combo moves and such. Plus, it's set in one of Japan's most interesting periods: the unification of Japan under Nobanaga Oda and the Tokugawa revolution.

Also, Nikolai, a friend of mine, has been going Viking crazy this last week. Everyone knows that he's a big fan of the lovable northern barbarians, and this is evidenced by the Viking fever we've launched into a bit. One, I've been listening to a Swedish death-metal band called "Finntroll" which specializes in hard metal that has songs about Viking pantheons and such. If you want to get a good example of their music, trying locating the song "Trollhammaren." Also, we've been playing the old UT engine-based game "Rune" deathmatch like crazy the last few days. It's very akin to Jedi Knight 2 deathmatch, which was also quite fun. Finally, Nikolai modified the White Wolf system for a Viking roleplaying game, which we have had one session of; it's pretty rough and could use some more work, but it's a lot cooler than I expected it to be. If we continue in our current game, I plan to gather a group of warriors and unify as many of the Swedes under my flag and go conquer Norway or something. Maybe Kiev...

Lastly, school is great. I just can't say that enough. By far, my coolest class so far is Middle East in Modern Times. Right now, I'm getting sort of a crash course in Islam before we start laying into the foundation of the various conflicts that are raging in that region right now. It's really, really cool. Reading my textbook, I can see how much Islam has been changed and crapified already. I look forward to learning more...

Oh, and Brad, just to irk you, Islam was Christianity. It's the same religion, except they incorporated the customs of the old Arabic animistic religion to make the assimilation easier. So they're basically the same religion.

Sea God of the East, Azure Sea of the West

This last sunday and monday, I participated in the great Andy/Brad move-in downtown, and it only reinforced my desire to get back to school where I have privacy and freedom from my family. I ended up hanging out with them for a few days, reading Brad's roleplaying books and playing tons of Soul Caliber 2 on the Xbox. One interesting note though. I decided to crash on their couch monday night, and go home tuesday afternoon. But in deciding to go home, I thought it would be cool to try walking home from downtown Portland. "Why?" you may ask.

Whimsy.

Only, I chose a bad time for it. For one, I left Andy's apartment around 11:45, which was when the sun was just getting to heating up the Portland area. Basically the entire time I spent walking were the hottest hours of the day, which sucked because I got really dehydrated. Also, on monday, I didn't want to be a total moocher, so I avoided borrowing food from Brad and Andy until they offered me some leftover Chinese food, which became my only food for that day. On tuesday, I only consumed a single brownie (the Girl Scout, not the dessert, but she was small) before treking about 10 miles across Portland and the various Eastern Suburbs. Suffice to say, I was starving by the time I collapsed at home.

The funny thing is, this isn't the first time I've done something like this. In fact, it's the third time I've hiked across Portland like that, and both of the other times I was just as dead and exausted afterwards... You'd think I would learn my lesson. Of course, my next goal is to walk from my house to Lewis & Clark College, but maybe I'll save that one for a while.

Alien Versus Predator: Google-Padding Fan Review

One review described it as "Boring Versus Stupid" and I am inclined to agree. Now I went into this movie expect a far amount of cheese on my burger, but I got a lot more corn than I bargained for.

I've been a fan for many, many years of each franchise. I've seen all of the Alien and Predator movies, I've read the Alien, Predator, and Alien versus Predator books and comics; I even played with the action figures when I was a kid. I loved both PC games as well, and I would love to see an AVP 3 using the new kickass, super-scary Doom 3 engine, but that's just me. All of this background meant that I went into the movie as something of a fanboy, expecting little more than fucking aliens fighting fucking predators with some human meat inbetween. I got crap.

There are a few fundamental problems with the film itself. As a personal fan of the Aliens movie, I would have prefered a story set in the future using the Space Marines from the Alien franchise, which is what the comics and books do heavily. This movie was set in disappointly modern times. Okay, fine, I can live with that. Then came the next big blow... THE MOVIE Is RATED PG-13! Why?! None of the other films in either franchise, that's six fucking movies, were rated lower than "R." Not only that, I saw more gore in the Jurassic Park movies than AVP, which should never, ever happen. Finally, the biggest pre-movie mistake was the fact the movie had a woefully small budget, as evidenced by the length, acting, script writing, screen writing, editing, special effects, and just about every other feature of the film.

I knew the script would be bad, but the lines they had these people reading reached out of the screen and slapped me in the face. I thought Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was hackneyed, but lines like "laugh it up" and repeating "sacrificial chamber" over and over... The acting didn't help either. I agree with the critic who said that this is the only movie that included the "Aliens" that I didn't feel a drop of sympathy for when they had showed chest bursters popping out.

Then there were the special effects, which should have been spectacular. The terrible set design continued to bring the film down. The "enormous" temple under the ice is so obviously a miniature that I imagined my action figures in strategic places around the Ziggaraut's base and sloping walls. It looked like something out of an MST3K film. In addition, the costumes were, not bad, but not nearly the quality of the "regular" franchise; paticularly the predators. You'll notice that the big dreadlocked warriors spend quite a bit of time "uncloaked" but always draped in heavy shadows so you can't see the poorly detailed masks or contrived armor. The film purosfully gives you TONS of shots of the aliens face and little inner mouth thingy- I swear, I spent half the film looking at an alien's face- but very little "action" shots.

That brings me to my last big point, the action. Everything else I could have put up with. The acting, the costumes, the special effects, if I could just see some kickass fight scenes. The movie is about 90 minutes long, and you spend the first HOUR waiting for the much anticipated battle between Alien and Predator. When you finally get there, it SUCKS! These are by far, the most pussy, inadequete, and retarded predators I have ever seen. It took a single predator, using multiple different bladed weapons, over ten minutes of battling with an alien, to come close to killing it... AND IT STILL FUCKING DIED WHILE THE GODDAMN ALIEN LIVED UNTIL THE END OF THE MOVIE! There are three predators in the movie, two of them only managed to kill the unnamed human extras. The last predator fucked some shit up, but that was in the last 15-20 minutes of the movie, and by that time, very little was salvageable.

There were a few redeeming factors, however, such as we finally got to see predators, well, moving like killers. The movie went to lengths to show them doing cool acrobatics, flips, and surprisingly graceful stunts as they used staves, claws, and their bare hands to fuck people up. In addition, they got the guy who played "Bishop" in the Aliens and Alien 3 to play Charles Bishop Weyland. I thought that was cool. Also, the special effects weren't all bad as the Predator ships were so sleek and deadly I wanted to make sweet love with them in the theater. I practically shit my pants when I saw the last predator do that flip stab thing to spear the queen at the end. But these moments are few and far between in a film that you are better off renting.

The Spice Rack was in Disarray

Wednesday's episode of Comedy Central's "The Daily Show" brought to my attention of a new soda company trying to appeal to an interesting demographic. Mecca-Cola is a new company trying to break into the competitive soft drink buisiness to try and fight against the tryanny of western imperialism by using its own tactics. At first, I thought this must be a gag on the Daily Show, this can't be real. No Muslim would stoop so low as to whore out the name of the holiest city in their entire religion, would they? Well, if you click on that link, you will find out just how serious they are about this. As Stephen Colbert said, "...they aren't that different from us."

I wonder how long it will take for other major religions to catch up. Not one to be left behind in the times (after all, it only took the pope 30 years to get with this whole "feminism" thing) the Catholic church will undoubtedly begin their own line of fast food restaraunts which would, of course, cater to those who believe in transubstantiation. I mean, who wouldn't want a quarter-pound of Jesus Christ for just $0.99? Its corporations like Mecca-Cola that reinforce my decision to stay athiest. I don't want any part of that.

Babel of Iron Sounds

Imagine my surprise when I glanced out my window here in Northern Gresham and I saw my sleepy neighborhood street clogged with swarms of cars and foot traffic. I thought there was an accident or a party or a fireworks show or something. As it turns out, the nearby Firestone building, which was a tire factory and has since been converted into what amounts to a rubber storage facility, burst into flames. It was quite a sight to see a pillar of oily black smoke rising into the clear blue sky, like a sudden stain spreading through a cotton shirt. I've never seen that much smoke in my life, it was really something amazing to behold. I pondered the traffic, though, because my house was basically right next to the whole conflagaration, yet people were coming to my street in droves. It was then that I realized that it had become a community spectacle. An entire crowd of ambulance chasers, some with small children in toe, had gathered at the perimeters to witness the destructive inferno consume a building full of melted tires. To be honest, I would have joined them if I did not already have plans to meet with Brad and Andy, who had to negotiate a new meeting point due to the horrific traffic situation surrounding my cozy little street. Fortunately, the old tire factory is next door to the local firestation, so the response was, needless to say, quick.

For those of you who know little or nothing of Photshop Phriday, check this out. For those of you who do know about it, check that out anyway. Most of the topics are pretty funny, I'm a big fan of the "fake games" series which recently had its fourth installment on Something Awful. But this last friday had a really unique topic. The only clue I shall reveal is: "Terminators with Hats."

Finally, here is a brief overview of the long-abandoned ELEAWTA:

In the beginning there were animals. Then came Man. Then, there were a whole hell of a lot less animals. One man looked out over all of the species that were fading from the Earth and realized that many of those in danger were themselves dangerous, possessing sharp claws, many teeth, and myriad defenses. He realized also that he did not care about the other endangered animals in the least. In the interest of preserving the memory of the dangerous animals, most notably their flavor, after they vanished completely, that man started an organization - Eating Lethal and Endangered Animals While They're Alive. ELEAWTA, a growing organization of likeminded individuals, has since gone to whatever lengths necessary in their endless quest to find the most dangerous and endangered animals alive, defeat them in one-on-one combat, and eat them before they are gone forever.

Decide for yourself fellow true-believers.

Kompressor Does Not Dance

Here are pills for rave power
You eat and feel good

Go into the dance club
And go on to the floor
DJ starts the music
Kompressor lock the door
People start to drinking
They go into a trance
Kompressor hate them all
Because Kompressor does not dance

Kompressor does not dance
Kompressor does not dance

You do not use a Macintosh
instead you use a Tandy
Kompressor break your glowstick
Kompressor eat your candy
Kompressor open jaws
Kompressor release ants
Kompressor watch you scream
Because Kompressor does not dance

Kompressor does not dance
Kompressor does not dance

You like to eat the rave drugs
You get more energy
You think it's worth the money
But we do not agree
We make pill of poison
With snuffing stimulants
Kompressor watch you die
Because Kompressor does not dance

Kompressor does not dance
Kompressor does not dance

-Kompressor

Like this? You can find more by clicking puny mouse button on link: http://www.kompressormusic.com.

Pulse of the Canille

I have had a more interesting life lately, but right now, I'd like to stop for a moment, and ponder the upcoming gaming glory that awaits us in the fall season. Those of you who do not share my enthusiasm for gaming hobbies need not apply.

The issue is, there are a TON of awesome games coming up. A trio of sequels to classic games that I've been waiting for, and probably won't know what to do with myself when I get them; besides play the game that is. Here they are:

• DOOM 3: Many people simply want the graphic engine, but I'm actually looking forward to another good horror style FPS like the classic, DOOM 2. The game looks graphically beautiful and has a wonderful "ode to space marines" feel. Plus, according to [H]ardOCP, you can run the game on minimum system specs with the graphic turned all the way up, and still only run into chop when your computer has to animate multiple enemies.
• Half-Life 2: Assuming Valve ever actually releases the game, it will be totally badass, considering how amazing the Source engine looks. Plus, I would actually like know WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED in the first game, since the story was, in a word, vague.
• Halo 2: The first game was really good, and ever since Brad and I beat Halo on "Legendary" difficulty mode co-operatively, I've been pining for the sequel. If the shaky cam video from 2003 E3 is any indicator, it will be good.
• Call of Duty: Finest Hour: Now, I've seen articles that call the game "United Front," but in Electronic Boutique, the pre-order boxes labeled it "Finest Hour," so that's what I'm assumming it will be called. Even before the mission pack was announced, I was wishing there was more to the single-player, since that game was so very good. It is, hands down, the best WWII FPS on the market, and probably the last I'll ever really play, since I'm getting pretty fucking sick of that sub-genre of FPS.
• Vampire: Bloodlines: Yes, it probably won't be the best RPG ever made, or even one of the better ones, but it still looks really fun. I really like the idea of a visceral experience of slaughtering mortals and feasting on their vitae, but that's just me. Andy, you shut the fuck up right now, I know what you're thinking. I know I'm a fanboy. Moving on...
• Warhammer 40,000: Dawn of War: My friend Davy from school is a beta tester, and Jonathan and I went over to his house in West Lynn and checked out the game. It looks fucking gorgeous. The game itself is sort of an amalgamation of the tactical Ground Control 2: Operation Exodus and more generic RTS games like StarCraft or the Command & Conquer series. The graphics are both amazing and brutal; by brutal, I mean the animation for combat is really gritty and vicious. I watched Davy march a Space Marine Dreadnought power armor into a group of Eldar infantry, and it was disgustingly entertaining. The big robot unleashed multiple heavy machine guns as it approached, cutting down the fragile Eldar while it burned to death one of their number with a massive flamethrower. When it closed to melee range, it sweeped its giant clawed arm across their ranks, sending three of them flying across the screen only to splat against the ground dozens of yards away. At this point, the infantry had been demoralized and began to run, the Space Marine pilot reached down with its big claw and plucked one of the fleeing Eldar and viciously shredded him with the the spinning claw blade in mid air, spraying the dreadnought and the ground around it with blood and ichor. It then tossed the useless body away with a nonchalant flick of its arm and gleefully ran down the fleeing remenants of the squad it had massacred. It was beautiful.

Now you see my dilemma, these aren't just "good" games, these are sequels and expansions to games that helped define, reinvent, or just plain raise the bar in their genre. Plus, there are a few other gems I'm looking forward to as well. I hope I can find the time/money for at least half of these games.